How not to apply for a job

To whom it may concern,

I am applying for this/any job within the Australian Government as I am growing restless in my current position as Minister for Domestic Affairs and feel that I could take a nice cushy position within your office that does not involve removing food, spew or faecal matter from hard to clean places on a daily basis with the bonus of getting paid for it. I have included my application as follows:

NAME: Suzi Home-maker

DOB: Classified, as it is rude to ask a lady her age.

Selection Criteria 1

Supports Strategic Direction:
- Thinks strategically and contributes to organisational purpose and direction.
- Keeps self and others informed and contributes to planning and decision making.
- Shows judgement, intelligence and commonsense.

Upon the discovery of my two year old finger painting in his own faecal matter I demonstrated strategic thinking by turning a blind eye, closing the door and telling the husband that I quickly had to pop to the shops and I think the baby might be waking up can he please check for me? Then I proceeded to jump in the car and drive away as quickly as possible.

I then waited approx 10 minutes before phoning The Husband and asking him if we needed coffee, I remained calm and collected while he informed me of the rather nasty situation unfolding in the toddler’s bedroom and I proceeded to plan with, and advise him of some appropriate methods of cleaning such an unexpected mess. Demonstrating commonsense, I also informed him that I would return with some Pine O Clean to comply with expected health and safety standards of the household.

Selection Criteria 2

Achieves Results:
- Is flexible and adaptable to changing work requirements.
- Performs under direction and works independently within agreed priorities.

When pregnant and subsequently breastfeeding, I demonstrated flexibility and dedication by giving up drinking my daily margaritas and using more cost effective laundry detergent to comply with the increased demands on my body and washing machine.

Whilst in labour with my second child, I complied with my Midwifes direction to push and breathe with the agreed priority of getting the damn baby out ASAP. We continued this until the desired result was achieved when I independently pushed the damn baby out.

Upon the arrival of said baby I quickly adapted to my new role as Mother of Two and domestic goddess extroidonaire, despite fact that the workplace environment had changed dramatically and my previous workload was to be effectively doubled.

Selection Criteria 3

Supports Productive Working Relationships:

- Seeks opportunities for learning and applies new knowledge in the workplace 

- Actively participates as a team member. 

-Shares ideas and information and seeks guidance from others.

In my workplace (home) I actively seek opportunities that will keep the children out of my hair by scouring catalogues and internet websites looking for new toys/games/entertainment. I then purchase said items and use some ideas shared from mothers group and trade their use for labour such as folding the clothes for mummy, thus teaching the children valuable life skills and most importantly, getting me out of folding the clothes.

As a parent I am of course a member of a “team”, I actively participate in the role of dragging up our four children, my participation includes but is not limited to preparing all meals for the children, washing blood, mud and food scraps from the clothes, dishes and children. Driving those four fighting children to school/soccer/bus/play dates and cleaning the house and tending to the garden all with a big smile on my face. My husband shared with me that he plays his part in the team by attending paid work.

I am applying this new knowledge to my current workplace by reducing my hours to overnight and weekends only and seeking paid work in the wider community while my husband takes over my previous role.

Selection Criteria 4

Displays Personal Drive and Integrity:
- Displays high ethical and professional standards and practices in all aspects of work.
- Enthusiastically accepts tasks and initiates action.
- Is committed and focused on work outcomes.

My role as mother creates many different responsibilities, in this particular criterion I would like to address my commitment to presenting the children at the bus stop on time each morning.

This is a role I take very seriously, and I am focused on getting those little minds out the door as soon as possible so that they can arrive at school early and thus achieve their true educational potential.

I then return to the workplace (home) promptly due to my high ethical standards. I even choose to drink my coffee on the job rather than taking a break while I scour the internet and catalogues for items in which to bribe the children into silence with when they later return home. 

Thank you for considering my application, I hope to hear from you very soon, or at least before this current Zanex perscription runs out!

Cheers,

Suzi