10 Little Fingers, 10 Little Toes

My baby niece has just be born,  

I walked into that hospital room holding hands with my husband, unaware of how this first meeting would turn out, would I feel any unhealthy attachment to the baby? My own flesh and blood?

I had felt no more than the usual proud aunty feelings during the pregnancy, after all it was just an egg, a tiny microscopic cell all the hormones and hard work was done by my Sister In Law. But there was always the little worry in the back of my mind that actually meeting my niece, my biological daughter, could stir up unwanted emotions. What if she looked like me or my other children?

I took a deep breath and we opened the door.

She was beautiful, her mother lay on the bed cradling the tiny baby, glowing with pride and dreams for her new daughter. That sheer beauty of a first time mother staring into her babies eyes, pure love and anticipation knowing that she is embarking on a journey that will change her life forever in the most wonderful ways.

The proud father was sitting next to the bed exhausted from a night of no sleep but without a care in the world, just smiling at his first born child with a look of absolute devotion in his eyes.

We were the first family members told of the arrival and it was nice for the four of us to have some quiet time to bond a little before hoards of visitors arrived. We marvelled at how amazing the journey had been and how thankful we were that we live in an era where miracles really can happen.

My sister in law handed me her baby, and as I held the precious little girl in my arms she opened her big owl eyes and looked up at me, as our gaze met an immediate feeling of relief washed over me, and although I knew I would love her until the day I die, she did not feel like my child, she had found her true place in the world.

So many stars had lined up perfectly to bring her into existence and at that moment it was clear that everything was exactly as it was meant to be.

Perfect.

The Mathematics Of IVF Disappointment

Sometimes, when you have put your emotional all into something it still doesn’t work, your last ditch effort still doesn’t fix it. Sometimes things just aren’t meant to be, even when they should be.  

22 Eggs, 19 mature, 13 fertilized, 8 made it to day 3, 6 made it to day 5, One fresh embryo transferred only two suitable left to freeze.

 3 out of 22.

You can’t help but be disappointed; you can’t help but wonder why?

As much as you don’t think you will be emotionally attached as a donor aunty until there is something physically there to see and be attached to, as much as they tell you they can’t promise anything and you say you understand, nothing prepares you for all the what if’s, all the maybe’s and that in the end all you are left with is a bunch of statistics and numbers that steadily decrease along with your hope.

Three.

3 chances:  1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage

Two.

2 chances: Will it even stick? The Fertility Specialists say 50% chance.

One.

1 chance out of 22

I have never been good at maths but I don’t like those odds.

I should be looking on the glass is half full side – 3 chances or even 1 chance is better than none. But it’s really hard to do that when they said my eggs were good, they said BILs sperm was good, so why?

Seven.

Seven more days until we find out if it has worked, find out if she is pregnant.

Well, that’s that then.

After two full on weeks and months of preparation, it’s all over.

Kind of anti climatic, so much work up and then all of a sudden my part is done. Finished.

Yesterday around 8am SIL, BIL and I pushed open the double glass doors of the fertility clinic for Egg Pick Up (EPU), it was a surreal feeling -this was make or break time.

The lovely receptionist ushered us through a door and into a little area with a few lockers, a bench seat and doorways leading off from it marked ‘theatre’ and ‘ultrasound’, she indicated towards a third door marked ‘change room’ and gave me a warm smile.

Everything off and then everything on said the receptionist as she pointed to a little blue basket with sexy looking gown, robe, hat and booties in it.

Gorgeous Huh?

After I was all gowned up, they took us through to the recovery area with a couch and hospital bed where we would wait for my turn on the table. We joked nervously with each other for a while taking happy snaps of the three of us together which we could later present to any offspring on their 21^st birthdays as the day of their conception.

We had a brief scare when we asked the fertility specialist if it was ok that I was not bloated at all that morning when the previous day I had looked 4 months pregnant not really thinking much of it – the concerned look on her face was quickly covered up by a rather fake looking smile as she said I’m sure its fine and rushed me back into the door marked ‘ultrasound’ where they checked to make sure I hadn’t ovulated earlier than expected – ‘it’s very rare’ she reassured me, ‘but its better we find out now than when we get into theatre...’

Luckily, I’m just a freak and the follicles were all still there panic averted we went back into the recovery/waiting area, briefly saw the embryologist who looked younger than me and the anaesthetist an older man who bore a striking resemblance to Dr Mike from All Saints, then the nurse called me into theatre.

Now I was quite nervous, walking into a huge room with more people than I realised would be there I climbed onto the bed, lay down and the nurse put a warm blanket over me. The anaesthetist held my hand and told me he would now put in a canula to administer my drug cocktail. The FS chatted about random stuff while she waited and I realised the canula was already in, I hadn’t even felt it.

Dr Mike held up a syringe of clear liquid and said now I’m going to give you some happy juice, it will make you feel awesome, like being stoned and he winked, don’t worry, you probably won’t remember this conversation .I got the distinct impression Dr Mike knew exactly what it’s like to feel stoned...

The FS said it takes about 20sec to work, and to tell her when I start to feel it, at that moment my head started spinning, “there it is” I said, ‘that was quick’ she remarked and  I woke up in the recovery area with an oxygen mask on my face.

It’s a very strange feeling to know that you have been totally violated while you slept and upon awakening you wouldn’t have a clue that it had happened if they didn’t tell you. It was a lot better than I expected though a bit of very mild pain in the tummy but more like doing too many sit ups the day before than actual painful pain though going to the toliet hurts like buggery!

My SIL and BIL came in and announced they had harvested an awesome 22 eggs! I had a cup of tea and some toast before having the canulas taken out and being given permission to get dressed again. Once fully clothed and heading out I dignified myself by nearly falling down again – a bit like when you have been drinking all night sitting down then you get up to go to the loo and it hits you all at once.  

We rested at SIL’s place for a while and then she presented me with a huge beautiful bouquet of flowers and drove me back home to the farm and to my darling husband and own bunch of noisy little monkeys that I am so, very lucky to have.

And now it’s done, my part is over and the rest is up to her. I had a call from the clinic this morning who informed me 13 eggs had fertilized which is apparently an excellent result although to be honest I was a bit disappointed that it was only 13 out of 22 possibilities. The next 5 days will see how many make it to blastocyst stage and then they will transfer one to her and freeze the others for future use.

Fingers crossed x

Counsellors, needles and magic wands

I had my first 'Egg Donor' internal ultrasound for ‘base line fertility’ a procedure very aptly called “Dildo Cam” by the lovely Faerie Saerie. If you don’t get the drift already, essentially you rock up to the local imaging place get greeted by someone very bubbly and much younger than yourself who proceeds to insert a “wand” into places Harry Potter only dreams about.

Miss Bubbly then takes multiple photos of your Ovaries, Uterus and measures follicles and checks the endometrial thickness, removes her magic wand, charges you $220 and bids you farewell.
All in all the ultrasound wasn’t as bad as I was expecting it to be, which is a good thing as I will be having several more once I begin taking the hormones , one every two days in fact!

Then it was time for the counselling sessions, I was to have one on my own and then one with my SIL & BIL – I did the solo one over the phone so that I didn’t have to travel into the big smoke for just the one appointment, this would have been easier if the phone hadn’t been crackling itself into oblivion at the time –did you see my rant regarding a certain phone company?

Despite the phone’s best efforts after a lot of “pardon?” “what?” “hello??” we got our thoughts across and she deemed me sane enough to donate.

The second counselling session was with all of us, it only went for 20min as we has already discussed everything with each other and have the same opinions regarding donation, ethics etc which made it nice and easy.

With the all clear from the counsellor and results from blood work and ultrasound in tow, my SIL and I headed off to the FS (fertility specialist) yesterday and got the OK to proceed as well as the details of which drugs she will put me on and their dosage rates which are based on my blood work.

The two drugs I will be taking are ‘Gonal-F’ which is daily for approx 14 days and ‘Orgalutron’ which sounds like a bad ass transformer robot but is in fact a drug that stops ovulation, this is taken daily once the follicles grow to 14mm (as determined by ‘dildo cam’) to ward off early ovulation. These are both by self administered injection which while Im not needle phobic - I foresee the actual sticking of them into myself as well erm...  a challenge.

So its really happening now! We officially start the cycle early July.

Just Between You & Me (and the rest of the world..)

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Secrets are funny things, and problematic ones to those of us who blog – you see, it’s against human nature to hide stuff – we have a yearning to talk it out. But sometimes the fear that those we ‘talk it out’ to may in turn ‘talk it out’ to others, can often prevent us from telling those closest to us some very important things. So we blog them instead, blatantly sharing our private innermost thoughts masked by an often false sense of anonymity.

I was chatting to a friend on the phone the other day, she is also a blogger and the only real life friend I have who knows about my blog. She enquired as to weather or not SIL & I had spoken to the rest of the IL family about the impending egg donation - the answer to which was not yet, the only people who know are you, me and.... well, the rest of the world.

It then dawned on me how potentially writing about this could hurt my husband’s family – what if they find out about my blog one day and become aware that the whole cyber world knew something they didn’t that would affect them directly for the rest of their lives?

SIL, BIL and I had the ‘when do we tell?’ discussion again after our FIRST IVF APPOINTMENT.

It has already been decided that the child and of course family in general will know about the donation and who donated – my own children will (when they are old enough to understand) know that their cousin/s are genetically their siblings.

The IL family are already aware that SIL & BIL would most likely need an egg donor, but they don’t know that I offered, they accepted and now we are going ahead.

To talk about one’s infertility is hard, to decide if or when to discuss IVF is a deeply personal decision that only those going through it can begin to understand.

I have told SIL that it’s a choice for them to make, and not me as they are the parents of this future child – I am purely supplying a piece of DNA for the puzzle.

If we told the family, I think MIL would be happy, after the 8 grandbabies her sons have produced, I think she is really looking forward to her little girl carrying a child whatever the means, plus she would be able to help with babysitting during any awkward IVF appointment times.

This being said, SIL has also commented on feeling like she is constantly being monitored for signs of pregnancy by the people that know of their previous IVF attempts and I have been getting little “Ooh she didn’t have wine at the party on the weekend, do you think she might be pregnant finally?” comments from people, so those feelings are justified...

The truth is personally I would rather they waited until there is a confirmed pregnancy, but for purely selfish reasons.

I know my IL family and feel like there would be lot of pressure to ''perform'. Whilst I am young and tick all the right ‘Egg Donor’ boxes, I secretly worry, what if there is something wrong with my eggs? What if there is a genetic condition that makes BIL& I incompatible? What if the pregnancy doesn’t hold?

I also now know that my other SIL (SIL2) went to her doctor to find out if she was able to donate, but due to a thyroid condition she cannot. SIL2 and I have a rocky past and I wonder how she would feel that they are going to use my egg. That her children will not be genetically related to the potential babies?

I like to think that when all is said and done all anyone wants out of this is to see SIL & BIL with a happy, healthy family and hopefully any ill feelings of not being told will be forgotten when a baby is born.

But for now, let’s just keep it between you and me.

Egg Donor IVF - the first appointment

On Monday I had my first IVF appointment, I was nervous and excited as I drove into the big smoke wondering what was going to greet me when I arrived. I thought about how my SIL and BIL must have felt when they first embarked on this journey so full of hope and excitement which would decrease with each subsequent appointment until they were eventually told that as a couple there was no more treatments for their infertility.

I never had to worry about any of this, quite the opposite actually. I remember sitting on the toilet age 17 clutching the pregnancy test in my hands tears rolling down my cheeks looking at the two lines staring forcefully at me and thinking “Oh my God”. I also vividly remember sitting in that abortion clinic for a ‘chat’ with the clinic nurse and feeling physically sick after hearing her graphic description of the procedure.

 I remember walking out those doors shit scared but with a new sense of purpose knowing that I was not under any circumstance going to return to that place and that despite the odds and hard road ahead I was in fact going to become a mother.  

I remember that feeling of combined pure joy and absolute terror as I clutched my baby boy for the first time thinking ‘I am totally responsible for this life a real human being, its existence, its growth, its emotional well being and its future all depend on my actions’. It was a surreal moment.

Now as my baby is fast approaching ‘double figures’ I drive into the big smoke praying desperately that I can help two people that are young, healthy and very much in love create the family they have worked so hard for. The countless pregnancy tests SIL has taken and the gutted feeling of sitting on the toilet, tears rolling down cheeks because for her there is only ever one line.

I arrived at the Fertility Specialists private rooms and was met by the smiling and equally nervous faces of my SIL and her husband. We made our way up a narrow flight of stairs and long corridor to the office. As we entered we were greeted by the receptionists smiling face and I filled out the usual forms while we waited for the Fertility Specialist (FS).

Finally the door to her office opened and the FS walked out and ushered me in, she is a tall lady with a friendly demeanour and I felt instantly comfortable. She asked me a bunch of questions about my cycle, past medical history, past pregnancies and my lifestyle. When she had finished she gave me a big smile and said I was the poster child for egg donation.

She then invited my SIL & BIL into the room and she discussed genetics, hormone injections and went over the egg collection procedure in detail and she told what was to happen now.  Basically for those interested, we need to coordinate our cycles (by way of the pill) and I need to have an internal ultrasound called a ‘baseline for fertility’ as well as a stack of blood tests to check hormone levels, STDs, and potential vitamin deficiencies. Then all going well we will start the actual IVF cycle in 5 weeks time.

We collected our scripts and my referrals thanked the FS and headed over to the Fertility Clinic to book in our appointments for the mandatory counselling – We need three sessions -one for The Husband and I, one for my BIL and SIL and one with all of us together.

We also booked in the ‘Nurse Chat’ which is where they will teach me how to use the different medications I will need to inject into myself daily for approx two weeks before egg collection.

We left excited and with the “We’re going to make a baby!” buzz. It was funny because although the circumstances are far from normal, it doesn’t feel weird at all.

When it takes 3 to make a baby

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This time 12 months ago I would never have imagined that I would be planning to start an IVF cycle.

But here I sit today, eying the phone on my desk that still lies where I put it down yesterday after calling my doctor to make an appointment for a referral to the IVF clinic.

My children were conceived the old fashioned way, and I admit that it may have been a missed pill or two that started that particular ball rolling, and roll it did – 4 pregnancies, 4 healthy babies, I am very, very blessed.

So I have 4 kids, why on earth am I getting referrals to IVF clinics? Well last year I wrote THIS POST about how I was potentially going to become an egg donor for my SIL.

Sadly SIL’s final attempt at IVF using her own eggs was unsuccessful, so now we are officially heading down the egg donation path. There are lots of appointments to make and doctors to see and I am nervous and excited.

For those unfamiliar, there is a fair bit involved in the whole IVF procedure, needles, hormones, bloating, operations and as I learn about it all it really makes me feel for my SIL and so many other women who have been through the process over and over again for years only to get that dreaded “I’m sorry...”  phone call.

I have never been a fan of the two yearly “grease and oil change” as a friend puts it, so I am aware this process will put me out of my comfort zone in that department, but frankly if a little bit of discomfort can bring a child into this world then I think its defiantly worth it!

We are hoping to start the first cycle around May and I am so hoping that this will work for them first time round, they are an amazing couple and will make wonderful parents, it’s about time they received some positive news.

If you are interested in egg donation the IVF Australia website HERE is full of great information for donors and recipients.

Have you or anyone you know donated an egg?

Are you a donor recipient?

The Gift Of Life

I am one of the lucky ones. I have had 4 pregnancies which resulted in 4 healthy babies. I never had to ‘try’ for a baby, they happened. First time, every time. It just worked.

Sadly, for so many people this isn’t the case. Disappointment comes in many forms, from the initial negative test result then month by month having the stress of trying harder and harder and then investing so many emotions into medical help only to be told that there is simply no hope after all.

It’s not going to happen.

There is someone in my family who has been feeling this disappointment for years, while family members and friends all around her give birth with gay abandon she has stood by, smiled and congratulated and been part of the joy, the whole time not sharing her secret pain.

She came to us recently, as the jestful teasing from family members about settling down, now they are married and having kids like the rest of us must have finally become too hard to bear, she and her husband told us of their secret battle with infertility. We didn’t even know they had started trying.

So the next step is one final attempt at IVF, but as so far they have been unable to pass the first stage of creating an embryo they don’t hold much hope. We spoke about alternatives should this fail and I have since done some research into egg donation, there are a number of hoops to jump through, implications counselling, genetic testing etc, but providing I fit the IVF Australia criteria I will be happy to donate my eggs to them.

Nothing is quite like seeing your newborn baby for the first time. Everyone deserves to cradle that amazing being in their arms, breath its’ sent and feel its heart beat. It is a true miracle.

 Sadly we are not all blessed with the ability to have children. I hope that if it's required I will be able to help them conceive so they too can hold in their hands the incredible gift that is life.